I Wish I Was This Clever

The current craze to sweep through the virtual world is ‘List of Things About Me.” I will put my hand up and admit to this form of lazy blogging. It is truly a waste of time and only those who stalk you will read it. So to mix it up a bit I’ve decided to list the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Some these I’ve blogged about in the past, some of them I haven’t.

Without further ado here are 25 lines that I found truly gob smacking.

1. Girl: I bought these Magical Angel cards. They really can predict the future.
Me: The box says made in Twain?
Girl: I bought them at WHSmith.

2. (Talking about football)
Me: We should support the underdogs. Everyone loves a come back!
Girl: Who are they? I’ve never heard of a team called the underdogs.

3. I didn’t realise there were dates in sticky date pudding.

4. If the world is getting so hot why don’t they just outlaw daylight savings?

5. Kell you are so stupid, I don’t fly over the equator to get to South Africa! I fly over Africa.

6. (Same girl, same destination, still geographically challenged)
We’re going from the 3rd to the 20th of March but plan to fly out on the 27th.

7. Girl: Where’s Amsterdam?
Me: Netherlands.
Girl: Isn’t that were Peter Pan come from?

8. I wouldn’t call Paris Hilton famous. She’s stupid.
(Yes Paris Hilton is a little wet behind the ears but she aint got nothing on you!)

9. Your chances are the same in winning the lottery and developing cancer.

10. I’ll breast feed my baby until the child decides to stop. Breast milk is better than baby food.

11. (Written on a CV, Appling for administrative roles.)
I like animals.

12. They don’t speak Flemish in Belgium! They speak Bulgarian!

13. Girl: Your grandmother once had a licence to shoot Aborigines.
Me: Excuse me? Are you calling my grandmother a murderer?
Girl: My dad told me.
Me: And your dad knows this because?
Girl: His brother lived out in Australia for a year.
Me: Did he fly over the equator to get there?

14. Girl: I’m allergic to Salt.
Her boyfriend: Then why aren’t you dead? I cook with salt every night.
Girl: I’m only allergic to large amounts of salt.

15. (On a tour bus at Windsor)
Tourist to tour guide: It’s very cold out there, do you mind if I stay on the bus while you guys look around?”

16. Boyfriend: Don’t call me sweet pea. Call me something more manly like, Batman or Predator!

17. Girl: You fat bitch!
Me: Are you blind or just thick?

18. Girl: I like my Pasta Ally Dented, that’s when it’s cooked the Italian way.
Boy: Ally who? I think you mean Al dente. You put the pasta in the water and boil it. It’s pretty universal which ever way you look at it.

19. (Phone call with IT)
Me: I’m still waiting on the temporary password so *** can access her account. It’s locked.
It help desk: I e-mailed it to her.

20. Girl: What’s the capital of London?
Me: London is the capital of England.
Girl: Yeah, but what’s the capital of London
Me: Euston. (a stupid question deserves a stupid answer!)

21. Girl: Do I look nice
Me: You look like mutton dressed as lamb.
Girl: I do not look like a sheep!! I’m not ever wearing white!

22. (I’ll admit that Geography wasn’t my strongest subject in high school BUT COME ON!)
Girl: I’m going to move to Canada. It has summer at the same time as South Africa.

24. My eye-liner has dried out. (She then spat on it!)

25. (On a train to Scotland)
Boyfriend: Look at the baby horse!
Me: Where?
Boyfriend: There!!!!
Me: Honey, that’s a sheep.