Thursday, 30 April 2009

Anti Family Planning Aisle

Boots (UK’s leading Chemist) is possibly the best thing that ever happened to a UK high Street. We all go there for what ever reason but have you actually looked around the shop.

Yesterday I had 30mins to kill before meeting a friend so I decided the seek refuge in Boots. Instead of just wandering around aimlessly, I decided to have a good look at some of the more embarrassing products that people loiter around. (You are so not fooling anyone by pretending to look at the indigestion pills. I can see you spying that poo-powder. You’re constipated!) The aisle that caught my eye the most was the ‘family planning’ aisle.

So I walked up at down the aisle. First I spied the condoms. 2 pack for £10 on selected brands. It’s good to see that they are targeting those on a budget! But this hardly ‘Family planning,’ it’s more ‘Anti Family Planning.’ The self above the condoms caught my attention. It had all the Morning After Pills on it. Talk about, should Plan A fail, timely execute Plan B. Can you imagine it? Going to Boots to buy the morning after pill and right underneath the tiny selection are the condoms and their on sale! Why to rub it in!

Oh but it gets better. While I’m standing there looking at these products and getting weird and wonderful looks in return from the other customers, I spied the section next to the morning after pill. Pregnancy tests! HALF PRICE! Well that was enough, I was in hysterics.

A woman thinks she’s pregnant and she’s not so keen on the idea. She goes to buy herself a pregnancy test. Right next to them are the Morning After Pills. You can imagine what’s going to through her head, “If only I though of that 4 or 5 weeks go.” She picks her Pregnancy Test, actually she picks two because they’re half price and she’s a sucker for clever marketing, and then she spies the price of Condoms and is almost in tears. Yes sweetheart it’s fair to say that by now, that ship has well and truly sailed!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Bug Up My Nose... TWICE!

Picture this. It’s Monday night (keep in mind I’m in the UK so 6pm still means it’s as light as it was at 12noon), it’s raining and I’m rugged up. I was walking along from the tube stop to my house. I was listening to my ipod, dawdling along and minding my own business when suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. A bloody bug went up my nose! Now if this had happened to anyone else I would have laughed at them but considering it was happening to me, it was no laughing matter. I slapped my nose in a hope to get the fucker out. It still buzzed in my nose cavity. So I put my finger to my other nostril, held it down, and blew out the other one. The bug came free. VICTORY WAS MINE!

I held my head high and continued walking. Even though several people had stopped to look at me and giggle. Yes people, point at the girl with a bug up her nose. At least she got it out!

So just a moment ago I left the office to go buy surgical masks. (Oh don’t ask!) As I’m walking to the chemist what should happen. A bug flew up my nose … AGAIN! And it was the same bloody nostril! So now I’m standing in Banker Wanker territory trying to blow out a bug. Of course the suited and booted stop and looked at the girl who was bracing herself on a traffic light pole while throwing her head around trying to get the bug out. I’ll tell you something for nothing. I must have been quite the sight because that bug was a feisty little bugger. I got him out on the third attempt.

So I’m back in the office. It’s only Wednesday and so far I’ve had 2 bugs up my nose. Hopefully my nose will remain bugless for the rest of the week… I don’t like its chances.

Monday, 27 April 2009

PigBird Flu

We’re all about to catch Swine Flu and die according to the Media. My first thought was, ‘Oh goody, I love a bit a drama! I hope I get the day off work!’ But of course, I thought this with a solemn face. Just because one maybe excited by the thought of a day off work -doesn’t not mean that one should wet her pants. if you follow.

So today I’ve been following the news closely. As I’ve read further into these articles about Swine Flu or as I’ve affectionately started called PigBird Flu, I realised it’s a lot more serious than just a day off work. The time has come and thank god I started preparing early for such an event. Yes people we’re all going to be homebound for quite some time and while you all eat tinned food, drink bottled water and ponder when your time might come, Justin and I will be live like a king and queen with our stock pile of wine, beer and Aspall. (We hit the bottle shop on Saturday and took advantage of the free home delivery service!) Further to that, the boyfriend has mastered home brew Alcoholic Ginger Beer so when the booze runs out we can make our own! And what shall we eat while we drink ourselves to death before the PigBirgs find us… what else but the packets of lamb chops I’ve been stock piling since my return from Aus.

I may die a cold and sweaty death. I may die by a flu that is named after a pig but I’ll be dammed if I die without the sweet sweet taste of minted chops on my lips and no trace of Alcohol in my blood stream!

Friday, 24 April 2009

Don't Mess With A Jedi

So it turns out if you put Jedi as your religion on the UK census, they count you as agnostic. What the article didn’t say was if you put your religion down as Scientologist, they count you as a mad man.

But this article got me thinking. Why do we need to tell our heads of state our religion? And what gives anyone the power to turn around and say, “You’re not Jedi, you’re agnostic.” I mean really, if Scientology can be recognised as a religion why can’t Jedi? They both come from Sci-fi movies or something of that nature.

Each to their own and don’t lump them together as agnostic. That’s not very nice! They do believe, they believe in the force and you better watch yourself because the force is strong, just ask Darth Vader!


Wednesday, 22 April 2009

I Wrote a Song... and it was crap

Many many moons ago, I'm talking at least 3 years ago, I put away my story writing hat and put on a song writer hat. I went through a stage where I actually thought I was onto something. It’s amazing how you forget these embarrassing mishaps and until you find them filed away deep in your yahoo mail.

So you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this beauty. I remember writing this while at work at 4.45pm on a Friday. My boss had asked me to do something and being the procrastinator I am, I wrote a song about it before I actually did it. Thanks goodness I took the song writers hat off. Something tell me that “(D funny thing further up)” wouldn’t go down well in a song book.

Friday Afternoon

Intro – A E A E D (D funny thing further up) D A

Verse 1: - Same as intro x 2
Only at 4.45 will 200 pages need to scanned,
The coffee machine is empty
And your printers now jammed.
Only on a Friday will the deadline be cut short,
The presentation’s on Monday,
Not Wednesday like you thought.

Chorus: G Em D A x2
Yes it’s 4.45 on a Friday afternoon.
Your mates at the pub and waiting for you.
Friday, Friday - 4.45 and damned!
Yet here you are like always,
Feet stuck in the office quick sand.

Verse 2: Same as verse one
Your boss sets off for a weekend by the coast,
You’re left to man the fort.
You’re left to do the post.
Only once Friday comes does the stress build up,
He’s says Next week, next week
But really, why care so much?

Chorus: G Em D A x2
Yes it’s 4.45 on a Friday afternoon.
Your mates at the pub and waiting for you.
Friday, Friday - 4.45 and damned!
Yet here you are like always,
Feet stuck in the office quick sand.
Music break

Bridge: Funny G, D, Bar chord on second with G leader, A
If you thought Monday morning was bad,
Wait for 4.45, Friday afternoon.
Those last minute demons band together
And they come full blown at you!
The attraction of a distraction just moments away
But first you must earn your pay.

Verse tune: Same as verse one
Only at 4.45 will 200 pages need to scanned,
The coffee machine is empty
And your printers now jammed.
Only once Friday comes does that stress build up,
He’s says Next week, next week

Chorus: x2
G Em D A x2 (ie x4)

Outro: ????