Blair's Halfway up the What????

EEEERRRRR, AAAAARRRRG, GRRRRRRRR. Those were the sounds I made on the tube last week when I got to page 153 in my book. You ask why I made those sounds? Well I’ll tell you why. I made the EEEEEEERRRR sound when I found out page 153 was missing! I turned the page in hope for page 154 but that wasn’t there either so I made a AAAAAARRRRG sound. I flicked the pages in anger and found that in fact all the pages up too 185 were missing!! Hence the GRRRRRRR sound and then man sitting next to me backing away slowly.

I went home livid. And fired off an e-mail to the publisher;

To Whom It May Concern,

Ref: Gossip Girl; Would I Lie to You
ISBN-10: 0-316-01183-5
ISBN-13: 978-0-316-01183-9

I was given a copy of the above book as a gift*. The book was received new**. It appears the book is in it's completion as no physical pages are missing from the spine.

However as I read the book, I turned the page to find that pages 153 -184 have not been printed. The book goes from page 152, (ending in, 'Blair was halfway up the') and then jumps to page 185 (Starting with the chapter, 'better late than never?') Please see attachment of scanned copy.

Now unless the missing pages only contain the word ‘Duff’, I would very much appreciate a replacement book for this misprinted copy. I am happy to send you the defected book if you kindly forward me a postal address.

I look forward to your response.

**Small white lie. I bought it on e-bay
** Small white lie. It cost me 50p as I was the fifth owner. It looked like it had been to hell and back. (No wonder it kept getting sold on, sneaky fuckers!)

The response:
I am sorry to learn of your defective book. The missing pages do contain more words than ‘Duff.’ Therefore, we would be more than happy to send you a free replacement copy. There is no need to send us the defective book. I will have the new book sent out right away.

Best,
Emily.

Why thank you Emily!! It’s good to know that Blair isn’t up the duff!

Lets Talk About Sex

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved to write. I will write about anything from funny stories in my past to political issues and even in-depth rants about sandwiches. I have 2 characters that go on adventures and help me learn. It’s through these 2 that I’ve explored my limits.

Last night I was watching a documentary about Mills and Booms and the authors that have been published by them. The authors of these 50,000 word heart-bleeding books really aren’t as rubbish as people think. The art of writing crap like that is not something that can be taught but rather you’re born with it. You either got it or you don’t. I found out last night, that I don’t.

So as I sat there watching these women going through the motions of writing these stories, it got me thinking. Of all the things I’ve written, I’ve never written a sex scene. It had never even crossed my mind to write a sex scene so as curious as curious can get I grabbed my note book and attempted to write my first sex scene. As soon as I started scribing the words out I realised it was a lot harder than what I thought. How do you, in words, turn a normal sexual moment that is full of emotion and passion into something fluffy and romantic without sounding seedy and purvey? You really have to twist the lines of reality to get a clean and clear point across.

I called out to the boyfriend,“How would you start a sex scene?” After I belted it out at the top of my lungs, I realised I should have probably explained to him what I was doing first before yelling the question loud enough for the neighbours to hear.
“WHAT?!?! I generally get you drunk and then let the good times roll!” He laughed and came into the lounge to find out what I was up too and what I was wearing.
“Oh you’re writing, I thought you were hinting.” He said with disappointment. He sat down next to me and read what I had written. “It’s rather mushy. Not your style at all, where’s the punchy dialogue.”
I looked down at my work. He was right. That Mills and Booms documentary had got into my head and warped my style into something that sounded like a 1960s soft porn peep show scene. I tore out the page and screwed it up. No point in keeping crap! I started again, this time with more sex and less romance. Once I was done I ran into the Boyfriend's study quite proud of myself. He read my work and then started to laugh and squirm rather nervously.
“You certainly have a way with words. Maybe try less porn star and more loving couple. It’s very… umm… raw?”

I can take constructive criticism. And he was rite. Maybe describing how the sheets got twisted around the bed head in a hot and sweaty mess was a bit too graphic. Not one to give up I rewrote it again. This time instead of describing body parts and how they function in a way that Hugh Heffner would appreciate, I described the couple. Rather than going into the noisy details and the what went wear details, I went into the details of how they felt.

I must say it did feel rather uncomfortable writing about 2 characters that have been with me since my teenage years. It felt like I was prying into their life in a way a friend shouldn’t. These 2 characters had never been here before and as weird as it sounds they had no build up. They went from great friends to fuck buddies in a matter of seconds. I somehow felt like I’d tarnished them. Oh well. I suppose they had to loose their virginity at some point but I never thought it would be like this and then for them to go at it 3 times in one night!

I went to bed thinking of sex and all the ways it’s been dissected by words over the years. From innocent fumbles to rampant pornographic scenes of filth, I came to the conclusion that I’m not ready to write about sex yet. I think I might have my characters buy purity rings and have them repent in the next chapter. No one likes a whore.