McDonalds Gets a B*tch-slap

Sometimes when I'm having a bad I just want to eat pancakes. Should you prevent me from eating such pancakes, be prepared for something along these lines:

Dear Mr. McDonalds,

This morning I visited your store on London Wall. I ordered Pancakes with Syrup. I’m used waiting a little while for pancakes as I know these are prepared fresh. For some reason this morning, I had to wait over 10mins for my order.

When my order finally arrived, the pancakes where rock hard and stone cold. I checked inside my brownbag to find I had been given no butter and no syrup. Just pancakes with a knife and folk. When I asked for some butter and syrup, the cashier handed me butter and told me they had run out of Syrup! I was not informed of this before I paid and was made to wait 10minutes. I find it bemusing that I can be sold Pancakes with Syrup and yet somehow end up with only pancakes. The cashier then said she would get someone to go check if they had any in stock. How you can have breakfast on but have no syrup close to hand is beyond me.

If the Pancakes weren't already cold enough, they were uneatable by the time someone fetched the syrup from 'down stairs'.

The service level was appalling, the wait time was extremely unsatisfactory and the level of food I was given was nothing short of disgusting. I have not only wasted my time but also over £2 on food that I had to throw away.

I look forward to your timely response.

(5 days later, I get this responce)

Dear Miss Lawrence

Thank you for contacting us about your visit to the London Wall restaurant.

I was very sorry to learn of the series of events that you experienced on this occasion and from your comments I can fully understand your disappointment and dissatisfaction felt at the time. Please accept my sincere apologies.

As a company we aim to provide 100% customer satisfaction and high standards of quality, service and cleanliness at all times. I regret this has not been your experience.

Your comments are taken seriously by us and have been passed to the management team at London Wall. The details of your complaint will be used as part of their assessment of the restaurant's performance and procedures. These ongoing reviews help to identify any areas
needing improvement within the restaurant.

You are clearly a regular and loyal customer and we thank you for your custom.

To make amends for your spoilt visit I have sent a voucher to put towards a future meal with our compliments. I trust this is well received. (£5!!)

Again, thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us.

Regards

Coleslaw on my Conscience

The other night we treated ourselves to KFC. We always order one large burger meal deal and one extra burger. It works out cheaper this way and we can share the chips, drink and side order. One slight problem is the size of the side order.

So we’re standing at the counter and I placed the order, “No ice in the drink please but could you fill it all the way up? May I please have the cardboard chip packet instead of the paper one and may I please have extra mayo on both burgers.” I was a KFC bitch in a previous life. I know the secrets!

He gives my order and I look at the small tub of coleslaw. “Excuse me, I asked for a large meal but you’ve given me a small coleslaw.”
The chicken boy replied, “The large coleslaws are for family meals only.”
Justin left my side and took a seat. He knew what was coming and had to hide his smile.
“By law, we are a family and this is a meal we will share but that’s not the point. I paid an extra 30p for a large meal and for that I would expect anything that could be upsized would be upsized. The last time I ordered this I was given a large coleslaw.”
“I’m sorry mam.”
“That’s okay. Clearly someone has made a mistake in the past. Is a manager on site?”
He walked out the back and returned very quickly. “My manager said you could have a large coleslaw.“
“Oh wow! Really? Thank you!”

As we walked home Justin asked, “Have you got a large coleslaw with a burger meal before?”
“Don’t ask questions you won’t like the answer too.”
“I’ll take that as a no and that you lied to get it. That’s wrong! That is now tainted coleslaw. Let it hang on your conscience!”
“All the more coleslaw for me then.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t eat it…”

Monday Nights - LAMB CHOPS NIGHT!

The only thing that gets me through a Monday is thought of my Lamb Chops. Some people look at the size of me and automatically think I don’t eat. They make the assumption that I live off carrot stick. WRONG! I eat a healthy amount. I have what you call a high metabolism and this high Metabolism allows me to eat my own weight in Lamb Chops every Monday Night!

I love Minted Lamb Chops more than my own mother. I buy them from Iceland. They’re cheap, tasty and God’s way of telling me that he loves me. At the moment I have 3 packs at home, 2 in the freezer and 1 in the fridge marinating. I like to have a couple of spares just in case of emergencies. For example, what if there’s a break out of Zombies or aliens attack London? How am I going to get to the shops? I would like to be prepared for such occasions. Oh you laugh at me now but who will be laughing when you’re housebound without a lamb chop insight?

Marinating? But didn't she just say she buys the Minted ones? Correct. God did a bad thing and took my minted chops away from me. I went to shop and looked in all the freezers but there were none! I was reduced to the normal ones that I have to marinate myself. I went home and cried on my boyfriends shoulder. Yes real tears and real sobs. The boyfriend had to pat me on the back to help me calm down. I was distraught!

So the other day we’re in Iceland. I’m off looking at chocolate (please note the point about my high metabolism in the first paragraph… jealous yet?) and the boyfriend was off, doing boyfriend things like reaching for the high stuff and scaring children. Suddenly he came running back and asked me, “Guess what I found?” I told him that stealing children was illegal and he better put it back. He shook his head and looked serious. I went threw a list of things ranging from Chicken legs to washing up liquid. I was getting frustrated with him. “JUST TELL ME!” So he said, “What does god give to good girls?”

“LAMB CHOPS!!!” I ran around to the isle as fast as my little legs would carry me. And there they were in all their minted glory. My £3.50 lamb Chops. From the other side of the shop the boyfriend said he heard me let out a squeal with delight. If you were me you would let out a squeal too!

So now you think, the story has a happy ending. WRONG! We only had £5 on us. Only enough for one pack!! I did the only thing that anyone in my situation would do. I hid the other packets under a pile of lamb shanks! No one is getting to my lamb chops!!!!

And do you know what, no one did. (Now it’s a happy spoilt-little-monster ending.)

Yummy... INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH GUACAMOLE!

I’m the first one to put my hand up and admit that I’m no domesticated goddess. Goddess yes but domesticated? Yeah, I think not! I figure that a clean house is a sign of a wasted life. I’m not into life wasting. You only live once so why waste several hours a month cleaning? It doesn’t make sense! Just give the house the once over before guests come around.

In saying that, I do have the odd 1950s style housewife moment every now and again. The boyfriend calls it nesting. He thinks those moments relate to my girl bits doing their girl things in the girly cycle. And when I tell him he’s wrong he then says, “Phase 2 begins, please don’t hit me!!!” ANYWAY… moving on from female functionality, (that was awkward for both of us!)

The other night I decided that I wanted to make dinner and play the ‘darling wife.’ We had some avocados that were getting pretty close to their "eat-before-it-grows-legs-and-runs-away" date. I decided I was going to make some nachos. Complete with Guacamole and all!!

Famous last words, "Go sit down… I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" The boyfriend, who usually does most of the cooking, reluctantly left me alone in the kitchen.

Sure- I gave him guacamole. INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH GUACAMOLE!!! I got a little carried away with the;
garlic (four cloves should do it!)…
and the onion (I had 2 to choose from. I went with the smaller one at least!)…
and the chilli powder (2 Tea-spoons should be enough!)...
and the lemon (I'll juice the hole thing, best not waste it.)…
and the pepper (It was almost finished so I just used it up!).

So we sat down and ate our Nachos. The boyfriend nibbled his way through the nachos and you know what, he even ate the Industrial Strength Guacamole! Bless his cotton socks for his good manners! Once we were done he turned to me and said, “Are you still nesting or have you entered Phase 2 yet?”
“I think I’m still nesting. I don’t know. Try pissing me off and we’ll find out.”
“Nah, best not risk it!”